Most of you that know me from my blog don’t know all of me. This isn’t anybody’s fault. We post what we post. We chose what to tell others and what we decide to keep to ourselves. This is one of the great things about blogging. You meet people and love them long before you find out about all of their true brokenness.

This last week Tam at inProgress did a post on Men. That post was amazing….It basically called out Men. Or let me rephrase that….to me it called out Boys and explained how they could be Men. I would recommend reading the post and the comments. I would also recommend clicking the link in her post that will lead you to her pastor’s sermon. In simple terms she basically explained that as girls we all want to be loved and cherished.

I have exposed quite a few things about my past. Things about my health, about me raising my mother, about the abuse by my father that I still love dearly even in his death. I have been candid about my doubts of the quality of my mothering skills. BUT……

I have never discussed the abuse that I suffered at the hand of one man. One man that found it necessary to abuse women. He not only abused me but also abused every woman in his past. He is still abusing them from what I hear. He was going to kill me. He had on multiple occasions held me against my will with guns or knives or handcuffs. One day I actually got to be the aggressor and I had possession of the gun. I held that gun to his shirtless chest. I watched his chest rise and fall with every breath he took. He kept telling me that I was a coward and didn’t have it in me to kill him. Little did he know that the whole time I held that gun to his chest I was praying to Jesus. I was begging Jesus to help me to walk away NOT killing him.

My motto is Seeking Peace and Pursuing It! It is the name of my blog. It is the gorgeous silver drop necklace that I wear that says Seeking Peace. I never understood what Peace was as a child. It wasn’t until I rediscovered Jesus that He started to show me what He wanted me to have. He wanted me to have His love and His peace. He doesn’t want me to be full of turmoil. I commented on Tam’s post. I stated my story briefly just as I have here. That night while I slept I had horrifying dreams that this man had found me. You see my husband, the kids and I left our jobs and our home and moved. We left family, friends and ties to a community that we had lived in for over 10 years. This man is still looking for me.

By bringing this up in my mind….the Enemy tried to use it against me. It worked for about 10 minutes. Then I started praying, I started reading Psalm 51, I started asking again for forgiveness for my actions with this man. I snapped out of a turmoil I haven’t felt for 10 years. I sought my Peace in Christ Jesus. I sought my Peace and He gave it to me! I thank Tam for her boldness….You see even though I had a nightmare about this man because I dredged up the past. I remembered to SEEK CHRIST FIRST.

This Quote is from an unknown source but it is a huge part of my life. Sometimes I have to smack myself and remind myself of it.

“Peace.
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

Jesus Calms My Heart! Seek Him First and He will Calm Yours too!!!